Yesterday, I heard the righteous committee in my head lovingly announce to me:
Welcome to 2020 Dee!
You’ve entered the life season when you’ll finally accept that you can’t always have the GIFTS you’ve been praying for wrapped and delivered the exact way you want them to be.
As usual, I feel the unyielding urge to put myself on blast and be very transparent with my own bumpy, yet awkwardly adventurous, journey through entrepreneurship, spiritual growth and self-actualization.
Here’s what I’ve discovered to be one of the silent culprits to much of my frustration and despair in business, love, and life:
I only want straight lines!
There you have it. Yep, I admit it.
I don’t like the topsy-turvy, upside down, peaks and valleys on the way to a finish line.
I don’t like the steps backward, U-Turns, 180s or roundabouts.
Plain and simple – I just do not like it!
It just seems to me that EVERYTHING in life would be so much easier if there was always – and I do mean always – a clear cut journey from where you are DIRECTLY TO where you want to be.
No contingency planning. No need for mitigation.
Just SIMPLY: Start HERE …. Step 1… Step 2…Then BOOM! – You’re where you want to be. You have what you want… You’re happy… Everyone’s happy… And you smoothly move on to the next thing to do or accomplish.
Is that really too much to ask for???
(I’m sure you can resonate with this in some respects – if not TOTALLY!)
In fact, just the other day, I was in one of my very deep-thinking and reflective moods. And my darling husband was patient enough to quietly sit with me as I ranted on and on about how much time I feel like I’ve wasted BEING, DOING, and FEELING what others wanted me to do instead of living according to how I felt God was calling me to exist.
I mean I truly blabbered on and on about how things could’ve been different
…if only I didn’t….
or they didn’t…
Or I did…
Or they did…
Or God did…
(…you get my point…)
So as I continued to spit fire vent, it was like I for the first time in my life I heard, – in a crystal clear, surround sound, Beat by Dre headphones, kinda way – my mouth utter the words,
“…I just feel like I should be so much further along than where I am now.”
(*Ques the Bomb Drop Sound Effect*)
And after I spoke those words, it was if silence blared so loudly in the room and it seemed to weigh a good 300 pounds as it lifted from my shoulders and moved on to fill the atmosphere.
Side note: I suppose all the “woo-woo” stuff about how verbally expressing a thought or emotion really does release the body of certain tensions and heavy energies. Because the pressure lifted from my shoulders almost before I could finish the thought sentence.
….Still, my husband said nothing. He just patiently sat and waited for me to finish my processing out loud (God, bless him!).
And in that split second of stillness, I had a pivotal inner revelation.
I realized that just that one statement spoke of the MASSIVE, self-imposed WEIGHTINESS of shame, guilt, and sadness that I carried within the vaults of my heart, on my shoulders, and then spilled out onto my every day To-Do List and agenda.
Good grief! No wonder I found myself feeling tired, frustrated, and overwhelmed so much lately.
For the first time, I actually heard myself indirectly admit that I was mad, and insidiously ungrateful, for the way my life’s journey had played out so far.
If I’m perfectly honest, I witness how the “shoulda, woulda, coulda’s” soundtracks playing in the background of my mind were wreaking havoc on my experience of peace, joy, and happiness.
They had their grip so tight on me, that I was almost always unconsciously forfeiting tons of space and opportunity to feel GRATITUDE for the progress, blessings, lessons, triumphs, and “WOOHOOs!” that I had experienced along the way from “there” to present day.
Looking back I realized, this self-imposed constrictive state of BEING was caused by just a few words…
I ONLY WANT STRAIGHT LINES!
Once my husband felt that I was done verbally purging, he stood up, walked over to the window and spoke just five words that confirmed the resolution to my inner dialogue…
He softly & lovingly said to me, and probably even more so to himself,
“All of it was necessary.”
And gosh darn, as with a lot of things, he was right on the money.
Every dip in the road…
Every morsel of opposition…
Every closed door…
Every failed plan…
Every thwarted effort…
Every step backward…
Every moment of fear, frustration, and “WHAT THE HECK IS GOING ON????”
“All of it was necessary.”
I can see now that if life’s journey was just straight lines from HERE to THERE,
- Where would wisdom find it’s place?
- How would we learn certain spiritual principles?
- How could we grow, heal, and “come to believe”?
- How could we KNOW (intimately) that a Holy, Other-Worldly, Perfect Power is capable beyond our limitations?
If I had only experienced straight lines in my own life, I would have no reason to rejoice, no reason to hope, no reason to seek, no reason to pray, or no reason to DREAM!
So by faith, I have resolved to intentionally accept that I am RIGHT WHERE I SHOULD BE. And that “I’m OK! right here.”
I’ve accepted that with each passing moment, there is something within my reach that I can receive and take for myself as a blessing and a lesson.
Yep! There’s a blessing and a lesson somewhere nearby even when:
- my sales funnels and websites crash unexpectedly.
- vendors change the game plans and I have to re-adjust on the fly.
- people offer their unsolicited, negative point of view of my decisions
- shipped products get lost or broken in transit to customers
- I get so BUSY that neglect my self-care routine and start to feel overwhelmed, tired, and spacey with all the To-Do’s, family care, and just LIFE STUFF.
(all of which actually happened to me in less than 30 days!… But I digress.)
When I take the time to KNOCK AND SEEK, the blessings and lessons are there. Even during the Non-Straight-Lines-Kinda-Seasons.
I’m learning to appreciate all of it. Because all things are working for my good.
And more importantly, as long as God is faithful (which He will always be), EVERYTHING will be ok.
I hope this serves you in some way. Take what you need and leave the rest for someone else. SHARE THIS WORD with your friends and tribe.